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Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
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Half of all women in the United States will live with or marry a man with children. And what woman with stepchildren has not—in order to defuse the often overwhelming challenges and anxieties she experiences—referred to herself as a “stepmonster� What Hope Edelman’s book has done for motherless daughters, Wednesday Martin’s empowering and original Stepmonster does for stepmothers: unlocks the emotional mysteries of why they think and feel and act the way they do. Martin draws on her own experience as a stepmother, interviews many stepmothers and stepchildren, and gathers insights from literature, psychology, and evolutionary biology to reveal the little-understood realities of this demanding role. Stepmonster illuminates the harrowing process of becoming a stepmother, exposes the myths and realities of being married to a man with children, counteracts the prevailing notion that stepmothers are solely responsible for the problems they encounter, identifies the five “step-dilemmas†that create conflict, and considers the emotional and social challenges men with children face when they remarry. Stepmonster also sheds light on the history of stepmothering and the previously overlooked legacy of women with stepchildren everywhere. Finally, in an unexpected twist, Martin shows why the myth of the Wicked Stepmother is at once an elaborate cultural fiction and our single best tool for understanding who real stepmothers are and how they feel.
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Product details
Paperback: 350 pages
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 1st edition (October 7, 2015)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1517071380
ISBN-13: 978-1517071387
Product Dimensions:
6 x 0.9 x 9 inches
Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.5 out of 5 stars
337 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#26,919 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
Stepmonster begins with an interesting premise, culturally and historically step mothers are discriminated against, for which Wednesday Martin provides evidence. She identifies the age-old dynamic whereby the children are antagonistic towards the step mother and the father remains passive, unable to defuse this cycle. Evidence is provided by Wednesday, that statistically second marriages with step children, have an extremely high failure rate, as high as 70%. Whereby the remaining percentage of marriages with step children which survive statistically beyond a number of years remain together.Thus, Wednesday encourages prioritising the marriage to the children by the father. Logically this makes sense. After all what’s the point of re-marrying if not to make it work.She recommends stepmothers, based on studies, disengage from stepchildren to make them feel less conflicted and give undermining mothers less ammunition to use against them. She reiterates that stepfamilies should not and cannot emulate a ‘real’ biological nuclear family with mother, father and children.I do not doubt that this might help, as what is not discussed but this is clearly set to do, is to make the biological mother feel secure in her role as mother when the children are away from her and for the stepchildren not to have to show or demonstrate any familial emotions or feelings toward a stepmother. A stepmother should accept that the mother will be involved in her home.What makes me extremely uncomfortable in this is that the undertone of the book is that a stepmother should be submissive to the stepchildren and the mother in her own home. If she has a thought or feeling toward the child in regard to care or caring, she should stifle this as she is over-reaching in her role and will antagonise the mother.Thus, the main person in the dynamic whose behaviour needs modification is the stepmother which seems to bring Wednesday full circle. Whilst at the beginning of the book she is sympathetic and indeed, at times, believes the stepmother is much maligned, by the end of the book, it is at the end of the day, the stepmother whose behaviour needs to be modified.Clearly through Wednesday Martin’s books she believes she is a feminist and progressive, I can’t help but feel that Stepmonster reinforces societal acceptance that treating stepmothers as the villain in the piece is okay, that the mother’s rights supersede the stepmother’s, and the old-fashioned biological nuclear family is the optimal situation.Whilst stepmothers are not ‘supposed’ to have feelings or be active participants in the care of the children, legally they will be expected to fund and provide the child’s care day-to-day whilst in her home. If a stepmother were not to provide material or emotional support for a stepchild she would and is considered very harshly by society. Should the stepmother unfortunately pass away, she will also be socially expected, and legally required in many places, to leave money to the children. This dichotomy is not addressed in Wednesday’s book. It is touched upon at times but not addressed.The anthropological studies provided by Wednesday are set to reinforce the idea that genetically the nuclear biological family is more able to bond. Genetically humans are 99.5% the same so this premise is based on the 0.5% difference. Can 0.5% of genetic difference account for bonding or is this social and cultural effects within the study populations?Re-married fathers are described as passive and ineffectual in the dynamic of the antagonistic children in the book. What is not described in the dynamic of the passive father and the antagonistic children toward their stepmother, is that quite often there are court orders or mediation agreements beholding the father on care arrangements, which constrains his behaviour and puts the father in a very difficult position.This creates a situation of power for the children, especially as they become teenagers and are psychologically aware of the power they hold in the dynamic of the stepmother's household. Wednesday does identify this as a motivating factor but attributes it to the stepmother being a rival for the father’s time. What is less acknowledged is that the children may also be driven to misbehave and mistreat the stepmother to please the mother. Logically the children have more at stake in the household where they spend most of their time. If the mother has majority custody of the children and the children are aware of the mother’s unhappiness or anger at the stepmother, then the children are more likely to lash out at the stepmother. Wednesday acknowledges this as the mother not ‘giving her blessing’. This seems to be watering down the role of the mother in the antagonistic dynamic.The recommendation from Wednesday for stepmothers to disengage would, logically, help to somewhat defuse this situation and may make the stepmother’s life easier if she can tune out the negative behaviour, however it won’t remove or change the underlying dynamic.Overall, the book is an interesting read, but I did find myself concluding at the end of the book that it simply reinforced the idea of stepmothers being monsters whose own behaviour was responsible for their mistreatment by their stepchildren. That if only stepmothers could find the right balance, not over-reaching or too caring, and detachment, because it is not their right to be maternalistic or nurturing toward the child, they would have a better life.
This book is wonderful if you are in the midst of "stepmothering" and feel completely overwhelmed and defeated. Just knowing that there are other people out there, going through the same things is incredibly uplifting. The fact is, when you become a stepmother you have no idea how hard it will be. Everyone (including you) has different expectations of what your role as stepmother is supposed to look like. You will go through a season when you will feel HORRIBLE about yourself all the time. If that is where you are at, this book is for you. You won't find much empathy out there from your friends and family because "you knew what you were getting into" or your new family because "the kids come first". I can now confidently say that both of those perspectives is dead wrong. Does anyone really know what they are getting into when they get married? Try adding (often traumatized) children to the newlywed mix and see how easy it is. The best thing you can do for your children/stepchildren is to have a strong marriage. Their lives have been shattered enough already without enduring another divorce. I love this book because it helped me get on the path to healing. A huge part of this is going through a grief process and letting go of what you thought your marriage and family life would be like.I know some people think this book is too negative in it's portrayal of the role of stepmother but I think it is very realistic. My husband started it then stopped reading because it was "too depressing". LOL, that's the life a a step mom!
My husband thinks its ridiculous that I'm relying on a book so much - he doesn't get how wonderful it was to realize, upon reading this book, that what we're dealing with is normal; that my feelings are normal. Having those things validated made such a difference in my mindset. I'd spent so much time trying to be liked by my 19-year old stepdaughter and this book gave me the permission to let go of that.It's freeing, actually, to realize I don't need her to like me or love me - just treat me with respect. And in the same manner, I don't need to go overboard trying to achieve that love. This book gave me "permission" to be myself and to disengage. I had thought I was alone in my my feelings of isolation, failure, stress .... the fights with her over-indulgent father! But it's all normal. So we move forward and I have a new attitude, which makes all the difference, and is a direct effect of reading Stepmonster.UPDATE, July 2016:I actually end up re-reading parts of this book (specifically the section on disengaging and the chapter on adult stepchildren) on a regular basis. This book is a support system for me and I'm continuously grateful for it. Everytime I feel like I AM somehow an awful person and an evil stepmother, this book reminds me that I'm human and this type of situation is NORMAL. Thank you Wednesday Martin!
As a step mother without her own children this book was a life saver for me. I would continually try to bond with my 11 year old step daughter only to later find out she was telling vicious lies about me to her mother. Her mother would not ask my husband about it and instead she took him to court for full custody! Luckily the court was able to get the truth out of my step daughter and she finally admitted that she lied about me.I thought I was the only one out there having these issues and the nasty thoughts and resentment that I felt about being stabbed in the back by my stepdaughter. This book explained that no matter how hard I try there are cases where the kid is not going to like you because they feel loyal to their mother. So, I stopped trying and I am so much happier! I asked my husband to read this book and he said it was very eye opening. He was finally able to see that it wasn't my fault. He was always on my side but until he read the book I could tell that he thought I was doing something wrong.
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